The feminist voices I curbed to be a happier me (part 3)

You are tough if you stand up to men and you are weak if you don’t – submission is patriarchal:  I listened to mom’s voice for a change and it made all the difference. If you’ve just joined us, we are addressing the third feminist voice I curbed to be a happier me, and if you are catching up, you might need to look past the sensationalism of my previous title – Not all that the feminist movement says is good for you. Today, we look at the third feminist voice I curbed to be a happier me. Let’s dig right in.

The truth is, there are a fair amount of men who give you a thousand reasons to stand up to them, and it’s hard not to stand up to a few. But we cannot exonerate women for their ‘shittiness’ too, can we? Most men are raised by women and the best of them will tell you they are what they are because of their moms. So, I wonder what the shitty ones have to say for themselves!

You are tough when you stand up to a man…

Standing up for what is right, is at the very minimum what we must always do, but if you are standing up to a man because you want to be a tough kick-ass feminist, then you are wasting your own time and deepening an existing tension between the sexes which only screws humanity further. Which messes up your relationship and chases your man even further into the wilderness.

So, as I unpack the third feminist voice I had to counter – you are tough if you stand up to men and put them in their place and you are weak if you don’t, – I must let you know that by now we are several years into my career as a communications specialist. With a management position in my hands, three kids at home, and a husband to care for, the pressure was getting the best of me and the cracks were beginning to show.

But let me digress from myself a little and tell you this story. A friend of mine who happens to work in the same industry as me called me up the other day to tell me how bad her evening went. We had both attended an intense meeting the day before and we both retired home very late. She has two boys and usually, she picks them up or lets hubby know if she doesn’t. Yesterday, the boys were the last to be picked up because she couldn’t be reached, her phone had been on silent like most of ours during meetings and she honestly thought her husband was aware she wouldn’t pick up given her day’s itinerary.  Ten missed calls down the line, confirming the unsuccessful attempts to reach her, the school managed to get hold of hubby, who went for the boys several hours after the usual pick-up time. 

As expected, she got home to a fuming husband, everything that could possibly go wrong had gone wrong. But just when her hubby thought he had every right on earth to let off steam in the most violent of ways possible, his frustration was met with the intolerance of a loud, no-nonsense feminist.

“Look, I have had a pretty shitty day myself and the last thing I want to come home to is ranting and blaming, you really think I wanted any of this to happen?”. The feminist voice got louder. She walked out in anger and as she slammed the door behind him, his cell phone crashed on the door behind her. The phone lying cold as the obvious casualty of the heated fight of two highly successful career people.  

So she called me up and gave me these details with the conviction that I, of all people, would understand her. We had a similar reality and I have had a fair share of my own bad day runs. “Can you believe the nerves? She said with the strong belief that we are in this together. “I just don’t know what men think, so he had to shout because I was sitting around all day doing nothing?”  she added sarcastically. 

To her dismay, I laughed so hard, “Girl you still have such wahala?” I responded reproachingly in pidgin. “Been there, done it, not worth it!!!” I exclaimed at the top of my voice, with a sweat-reproaching giggle still carrying my words. “See, I went on, “being a kick-ass, back-chatting, no-nonsense, forever talking back feminist is only going to cause you headache and stress. Try something new, refraining from talking back does not make you weak my dear, it makes you the stronger and mature one”. She giggled in response but something in me was sure she got it.

Choose your battles  

If you are a career woman and your spouse has a hectic career of his own, that day happens at least once. That day when both parties are so stretched out by work that both parties are on the edge. Typically on such a day, everything that could possibly go wrong does. You miss a school meeting, kids aren’t fetched up on time, name it…

I went on, ‘Look, I have had a fair share of such disagreements too, there are days when work pressure gets the best of you and you just can’t seem to tame your loud feminist voice. But let me break it to you, something’s got to give”. “Did it make you any better that you put him in his place and didn’t let him blame you for the day’s mess? She admitted that she had no joy whatsoever, but in the heat of the moment, she just couldn’t take it. Of all people, I knew exactly what she was saying, I totally understood her. So, we agreed that she would try a complete silence, a no-comment approach in the future and see how it goes.

When mom first told me never to respond when my husband is talking in anger, she meant well. Of all people, she knew that I had a firing temper, and responding was the most natural thing for someone like me. Not necessarily the best thing, I must admit. But when she said it, it went through one ear and came out of the other. It took a lot of my own introspection and analysis to come to the conclusion that talking back in anger simply isn’t worth it. 

Mama was right

So then, I made up my mind and listened to mom’s voice for a change which made all the difference. Never talk back if your husband is too angry, if you are going to say anything, it has to be nothing, or simply sorry that things got so messed up today. By all means, you owe it to yourself to make your point; it just does not have to be in the heat of the moment.

These days when tempers flare and trust me, I do have a natural endowment to get you on your nerves if I desire. And above all to stand up fiercely for myself. But I have learned to make my point later. And in many years now, cellphones have a longer lifespan, no doors get slammed in anger.  Best of all, listening to mom’s voice doesn’t make me feel weak, it gives me a sense of accomplishment like I’m older and wiser. So listening to mama’s voice made all the difference after all, needless to say with peace and harmony, I am also a happier me.

Does it mean I lack the ability to talk back and put everyone in their place? No, I can very well do that, but it is an informed choice for my happiness, for my peace of mind, and for harmony in my world. My friend Lebo says it is working for her too, we love our families, we love our jobs, we love our men, and we have made an informed choice. Because life is way too fun juggling work, family, kids, and other passions to invest our energies in picking fights that can be avoided.

Please continue to add to the list of feminist voices you have curbed to be a happier you, to sow happiness and harmony. 

And look out for the last of the feminist voices I curbed to be a happier me in this four-part series coming up next week.