A successful woman is one who is toe-to-toe with men, who is accomplished in the boardroom: I stepped back, so I could get more power and freedom.
By now, I am sure you remember that an Evolved Feminist is one who is in a position to make the most informed choices for her happiness and for harmony in her world. Stepping up and stepping back is a key part of those choices. And I have had to do both in many instances and for many different reasons. In most cases, stepping up has been very fulfilling but there have been instances when stepping back has come with some interesting rewards.
In addressing the second feminist voice I curbed – a successful woman is one who is toe to toe with men, who is accomplished in the boardroom – I would like to take you to where we ended last time. So I hope you got a chance to read the first voice in my Evolved story – ‘I traded a career in broadcasting for a man and did not look back. So I left a thriving career behind, a job I loved and had big dreams for, for a dude that made me feel like a queen. He had a job as a volunteer with no guarantees for full-time employment, so how did things pan out?
Good news, two months into the marriage, he got a permanent job. Yeah, that was a sigh of relief for me too. New in South Africa and with no prospect of going back to the one thing I felt really confident about – newsroom adrenaline – I knew I needed to do something different. I could not just hang around doing nothing, so I decided to study. I love communication and always have. I knew my broadcasting days were over and the commitment I had made to give it up had to be kept. But communication offers much more than broadcasting.
New career goals
So I went out to do my postgraduate in Corporate Communication and as I studied his career stabilised. At the end of my studies, I was clear I needed a job. But my husband was not sold on the idea. He was convinced he worked hard enough for the both of us and I didn’t have to. I didn’t need to work in his opinion, technically that was true, but I wanted to work. It took a bit of convincing which went something like this: “I am not seeking to work to be the man. I need to work because I love to work, I need to put my energies into a lot more than these four walls”. I didn’t really get a 100% approval here but it was time to pull the guilt card. A reminder of the dream job in broadcasting I had left behind, worked the trick.
As I picked up formal employment in a highly sophisticated South African society, certain patterns became clear to me. These patterns will shape my choices moving forward. I wouldn’t dwell on the patterns I observed but on the decisions I took as a result. The time I have spent in the workplace has taught me that all boardroom successes do not always translate to happiness and fulfilment.
And if happiness is more or just as valuable as success, why should one trade one for the other? We all know that all the successes in the workplace, while very fulfilling, do not always translate to inner peace and happiness. We all know that our circumstances are always very different and Evolved Feminism challenges us to make the most informed choices at each point for our happiness and for harmony.
In my case, for instance, it is very likely that, if I didn’t go the route of marriage and family, I probably would have changed several jobs by now, looking for that next pay hike, that next meaningful position, but I did, and gladly so, and it is only fair that my decisions and choices are shaped by that fact.
So stepping back for me is really just ensuring that every career decision enhances my overall sense of happiness and harmony. It goes beyond the thrill of career growth, it needs to be packaged along with the whole. The transactionality of giving some and holding back on some, to create that harmony that gives you fulfilment and makes your work to be in tune with your whole is something that I am grateful to be in a position to explore and enjoy.
I often wonder if my job title and my position matter to the kids, to the family. Maybe and only maybe the paycheque and what it can do for the family. So I am constantly assessing my career choices and putting my career on the check along these lines. It is important that the very reason for me taking up formal work – to support and to compliment, to contribute to something beyond the four walls – is not compromised in my career ambitions.
And this is where the Evolving Feminist magic resides. No one is asking that I make career concessions, in fact after so many years of work, I have earned a few cheerleaders in unlikely places, hubby being the biggest of them all, but making concessions gives me freedom, power, and to a certain degree control. Promotions are great, they have been great but it is greater when each one of them is kept in check on the basis of how each step sows more harmony. At face value this might come across as some low-life unambitious lunacy but trust me if it works, it becomes very meaningful. And that’s exactly what evolved feminism is about, making informed choices for your own happiness and for harmony in your world.
And let me tell you why it works for me. One of the observations I made as my career progressed and I got to meet far more successful career women than myself is that most tend to make their own fair share of concessions like every evolving feminist does, making choices for their happiness and for harmony. Most highly accomplished evolved feminists tend to be excessively meek and submissive as a way of keeping that harmony going.
They become extremely careful with what they say and what they withhold because they cannot stand the guilt card, “So you make more money and you think you can talk to me like that?” And many women who truly value harmony in the home but yet have thriving careers tend to be extremely docile, to counter the thought that they are driven by their successes to control and dominate. So if you have a big mouth like mine, then stepping back could be a source of power and freedom.
But what is most important to bear in mind is that the choices I make are mine. In most cases, the other has no idea that I make these choices. But it is my way of dealing with my own perceptions, stereotypes, and long-held views that define me. It is my little contribution to overcome my own idiosyncrasies and to keep things together. And it gets tricky, stepping back is only possible if the other is in a position to step up. In many instances that isn’t always possible. We live in a gender-charged world. Women today get more and more opportunities and in some relationships, it is just impossible for the man to step up. But Evolved feminists who are called to step up, do find a clever way to keep it going. Kindness, meekness and even the dreaded submissiveness are all options, to foster happiness and harmony.
So believe it or not, stepping back isn’t always a bad thing, it could come with some unexpected benefits. In this case, power and freedom. But stepping back isn’t always necessary, it isn’t always a good thing either. Like with every Evolved Feminist account, such a decision is only meaningful if it is an informed choice. If it is a well-thought-through strategy for your happiness and harmony, completely worthless if imposed by a third party.
Whether we step up or step back is far less important than the ability to be in a position where we can make informed choices as to if and when to do so. As we continue this series – the feminist voices I have curbed to be a happier me – our question does not change. What voices have you curbed to be a happier you, it is working for you? How are you manoeuvering things to be the best contribution you can be, to be happy, and to sow harmony in your world?
Look out for how I counter the third feminist voice when things get tense.