Stay at home moms have no agency: I became a cheerleader for women opting to stay home and am loving it!
When you’ve been in the workplace for too long as a woman it is not uncommon that you start feeling a sense of unconscious superiority, like you’ve got bigger fish to fry than your peers who have chosen to stay at home, who have made an informed decision to be a stay-at-home mom, wives and look after their children and family. Please take note of ‘informed decision’. This is by no means encouraging women to revert to traditional gender roles, but to respect that choice when it is a well-informed one. Trust me, even for those of us who want our men to be in control, we do agree that you are better off if you are not entirely at a man’s mercy unless this is a well-informed choice with a few solid options as plan B, C. D. So now that we’ve made the point let me begin with a few confessions.
I went through that phase when I just couldn’t understand why a woman will take all of her education and her skills and decide to be a stay-at-home mom. And yes, I also went through that phase where I thought being employed, earning a salary, and contributing to building a better society beyond the home was a superior choice for every woman. Like that is making a much better contribution to society than any stay-at-home mom.
But my very own limitations have brought me to the realisation that is a nonsensical view, a big fat lie, and a judgemental attitude, it is deceptive and puts unnecessary judgment on highly accomplished and qualified women who have made informed choices to be stay-at-home moms or wives and whose decisions for their happiness deserve by all means to be respected.
I had a fairly okay run at school, I enjoy working, I enjoy meeting KPIs and setting them too, but raising kids is hard work, I mean HARD work – Yoh!!! It is the mother of all work. So what on earth was I thinking?
For a long time, I did put my friends who opted to be stay-at-home moms/wives under a lot of pressure. How can you be a stay-at-home mom with four kids, are you crazy? What if something happens to your husband? Are you kidding?
When I look back at all those questions, I can’t help but tell myself, I was very stupid. In fact, there’s no better time to choose to be a stay-at-home mom than when you have four kids? In fact, you don’t need four kids, one is enough. If you are not the kind of person who gets energy from work, if working isn’t such an important element to your happiness and you have a man who can take care of things, by all means, stay home, look after your children, biko do what works for you and your family.
Society puts too much pressure on women and it is outright unfair, for a woman to be judged for every decision she makes. Judged if you work, judged if you don’t. Judged if you choose to have kids, judged if you don’t.
Moreover, today’s women have chewed a lot more than most can swallow. You do the childbearing for nine months, then run to work, for most of the childbearing process to make an income, then you come home and cook, then you do the errands for the children. Most women in heterosexual relationships have taken up a lot more with the opportunities that the feminist movement has opened up for us but the truth is, in most cases, the traditional roles have not evaporated, they have not suddenly disappeared. And with women stretching themselves so thin, a new phenomenon is starting to emerge. The most infamous house husband. Even in cases where men offer to take up some of the traditional caregiving roles, a woman doesn’t suddenly feel100% comfortable dropping it all.
Househusbands aside, today I know that everyone has their own agency. You only have no agency if you are fully at the mercy of the others’ decisions and choices. As long as the decision to be a stay-at-home wife is yours, or at the minimum, one you are happy with, as long as it is an informed choice you have made, Girl, stay home, take care of your kids and look after your man. It simply ain’t easy trying to be everything for everyone!!!
So I am sorry to inform you that I see no hard whatsoever with a woman making a decision to be a stay home mom. So these ridiculous questions stay at home women get asked are outright annoying and out of place. She has four kids and is staying home waiting for hubby, huuuum- what if something happens to her husband?
So what if you lose your job boss lady? Don’t you make a plan?
Life has no guarantees, it is a gift worth enjoying in any form we choose to savor it. If a woman decides to stay home, look after her children, enjoy her man, and is not complaining, biko let her be. When things go wrong, we all make a plan, trust her to do so as you will do if you lose your job? Besides, how much of the fear of the future warrant us not living and enjoying a sweet present?
What about, we start seriously thinking of legal ways to fully protect women who choose traditional gender roles for when things go wrong? Instead of chastising them to conform to our set standards and expectations?
The feminist movement is no doubt the greatest thing that ever happened to ‘womanity’ and the equality of the sexes as a legal principle must be upheld But this very principle gives women a wide range of freedoms, choices, and opportunities which include the choice to be a stay at home woman.
Sadly, many stay-at-home women do not do so out of choice, but a few do. A few have had the epiphany and the ability to make this informed choice. So, If you have a friend who is a stay-at-home mom out of choice and having a good life, encourage her. Life is hard enough for women as it is. Trying to be everything for everyone. So if you are fortunate to have a good support system that makes it possible for you to stay home with no emotional or physical headaches, stay home, raise your children, enjoy your life, and if things go wrong make sure you have what it takes to make a plan. Don’t we all try to make a plan when things don’t go as planned? We all do…
Remember an Evolved Feminist is a self accomplished woman who has the courage to make the most informed choices that give her happiness and that sow joy and harmony in society. She seeks to be the best contribution she can be and to be happy. She is obsessed with women’s empowerment, but even more so, with balance and harmony in families and in society.
Nothing a woman does is ever enough, what is sufficient, is that it makes you happy. If your specific decision / your choice does not, keep walking, keep trying. Let happiness and harmony be the goalpost.
Which feminist voices have unconsciously seeped into your life and taken away. And which ones have you managed to deal with to be the happiest you can be and to sow harmony and happiness for yourself?
These are the voices I have worked hard to curb.
Never Give Up your dreams for a man: I traded a career in broadcasting for a man and did not look back.
A successful woman is one who is toe to toe with men, who is accomplished in the boardroom: I stepped back, so I could get more power and freedom
You are tough if you stand up to men and you are weak if you don’t – submission is patriarchal: I listened to mom’s voice for a change and it made all the difference
Stay at home moms have no agency: I became a cheerleader for women opting to stay home and am loving it!
Which feminist voices you have suppressed or are suppressing to be a happier you? To sow happiness in your family, community, and in society?
Let’s keep talking!!!