A tale of chocolates and the birth of an Evolved Feminist

It was one fine day in Amsterdam, the city was in full bloom and I was three days into a business trip. Not having found the time to do any shopping, I was getting anxious. I wasn’t planning on shopping for anything fancy but I knew I couldn’t leave Amsterdam without stroopwafels and lots of it. In my previous trips, I brought home some stroopwafels and judging by the reaction of my family, I knew I just didn’t have to buy some waffles, I needed to buy a whole lot. So, I resolved to do a bit of stroopwafel shopping from then on, to buy as many varieties of stroopwafels as Amsterdam could offer. 

We had been offered accommodation a few kilometres away from the meeting venue. It was a great opportunity to walk and unwind before and after each day’s session. And to do some window or actual shopping if you may. My old friend James and I happened to be lodged in the same hotel, attending different meetings around the same area, so we did the walks together.

James was a smart guy, we were good friends from our varsity days, our friendship had lasted a long time and I thoroughly enjoyed our chats. As we walked back to the hotel on this day, I made several stops as I checked out new varieties of stroopwafel – organic, honey, traditional, and original, I bought a bit of them all. 

Is feminism dictating the nuances in your intimate spaces?

“Are you gonna stop shopping for stroopwafels at some point?” James asked. I laughed and replied,”Sorry, I can’t promise you that.” He laughed back and dropped the bombshell.

“I am so lucky I don’t have to shop at all, I only need to buy some chocolates for Neli, but she is yet to send the money”.

Neli was his girlfriend, his fiancee to be more apt. I almost fell over.

“You must be joking!” I exclaimed. “So you travel all the way to Amsterdam and your girlfriend has to credit your account for you to buy her chocolates, are you crazy?”

“Oh no, it is not about me, she is a feminist and insists on paying for the things she wants” he justified. 

“I am a feminist too,” I said. “In fact, I hold a degree in feminism if that adds any more credibility to my activism. And there’s simply no feminism textbook which says a man can’t buy you chocolates out of love,” I reproached. 

As we continued our walk, I went on to tell James how all the waffles I had bought weren’t for my husband. He has a sweet tooth and loves stroopwafels. I prefer to buy his stash when I am at the airport. Somehow, I think those are more sophisticated and packaged in the way I love to express my love. I told James that he travels regularly too and brings home lots of chocolates, but there is seldom a time when I get randomly assorted chocolates like the kids. It has to be special, it has to be packaged with love and affection. Even If I go digging in the kids’ assorted chocolates for all the dark ones, I know I have received the affection that I desire. 

“So, when you get home, tell Neli, feminism has never meant to deny her gifts of love and affection, indeed feminism has no business in how a man or woman chooses to express their love and affection”, I said in anger.

And James went on to tell me about another feminist in his circle who insisted on paying for all their expenses, who would not allow you to address them in any other way than their name – like you’ve got to keep all your ‘baby’ and ‘darling’ to yourself, who will not accept to be called a wife, who will negotiate equal cost share if they cohabited and a long list of what sounded really ‘interesting’ to me.

At that point my pidgin English instincts kicked in, “na wa oh”, I exclaimed. But this situation got me thinking. Firstly, this was a very radical interpretation of equality and it made me uncomfortable too. It made me realise that if feminism started to seep into our intimate spaces, into the spaces where we should feel loved and cherished, then we are headed for dull days.

I accept gifts and I’m still a feminist

I could not help but think of the things that were important to me in a relationship. It means a lot to me that I don’t have to pay every ugly bill, even though I am well in a position to do so. It means a lot to me that I get sent flowers and chocolates. It definitely means a lot to me that I get spoiled from time to time. If feminism was gonna take that…..then huuuuuum!!!

I also love to write, to be treated equally by the law, to be treated equally by my employer, I advocate for equal work for equal pay, and ultimately for every woman’s right to self-determination. I certainly advocate for every other fight that the feminist movement set up to achieve but I simply cannot accept that feminism has to dictate the nuances of my private life, of my love life, of what makes me deeply happy. When I hear feminists make use of phrases such as double standards to describe women who demand equality in public, but are okay with some forms of gender roles in private, I giggle because honestly, that’s old-aged common sense.

Girl that’s wisdom. It is about embracing the full spectrum of the life you want for yourself, which is also a privilege borne from feminism. It is simply about living your truth as it works for you!

The reality is, as women, most of us have chocolates we just can’t take, some contribute to our overall happiness and others don’t. Some of us love house chores, others don’t, some of us desire equal distribution of work at home and others get a sense of value from doing it all. As feminists, we all have something which translates into our own little chocolates, the things we just can’t take in a relationship.

Do feminism your way

And the good news is, feminism has made it possible for most women to decide exactly what they want for themselves, it has given women the power to create boundaries and to live their most fulfilled lives. Receiving chocolates from your lover certainly doesn’t make you less of a feminist. Feminism liberates you to do more, live more, be more. It allows you to manoeuvre every situation in the best way you can for your ultimate happiness. To uphold gender roles that make you happy, to drop the ones you do not like, to do with your life whatever you choose. And by all means to turn down chocolates too if that makes you unhappy.

But relationships are sacred places, there’s nothing more beautiful than a happy and harmonious relationship between a man and a woman. When love comes along, enjoy it and don’t let the feminist in you seep into this space and become a source of contempt, confusion and ‘romancelessness’. Unless of course, it is an informed choice between the two parties involved which makes both of them strive for happiness and harmony. 

At James’ revelation, I could not help but exclaim, “Some nonsensical extremities of feminism that will leave one feeling like a failed feminist”. So out of sarcasm, I went on to call my blog which covers much more than feminism – The Diary of a Failed Feminist rebranded as The Diary of an Evolved Feminist. But knowing that I certainly wasn’t an evolved feminist. I wrote The Memorandum of a Failed Feminist and The pledge of an Evolved Feminist to capture all that feminism means to me. Evolved feminists are women who embrace feminism for happiness and for harmony. Women are using all the gains from the movement to sow happiness for themselves and harmony in their world. Feminism has always been about happiness. 

I think of myself as an Evolved Feminist par excellence, encouraging women to embrace feminism on their own terms and to use all that the feminist movement has made possible to live their most fulfilled lives. Feminism has got to make life better for you, in fact, feminism was meant to liberate you not to enslave you or to make life too complicated. I thoroughly enjoy publishing the stories of the Evolved Feminists – these are women who go over and beyond to sow love and respect, to protect happiness and togetherness and who are committed to building a happy and harmonious society. These women are embracing feminism on their own terms, for their happiness and for harmony.

What is the chocolate in your life? What is that specific feminist voice, that’s holding you back from living your happiest life, which is stopping you from igniting happiness and harmony wherever you are? Our chocolates might be in our ego, our ambition, our dreams. Whatever your chocolate might be, feminism gives you the power to pursue it with every fibre of your being if it gives you meaningful happiness. And the power to drop it and to be honest in defining what happiness means in your unique case or circumstance and to make the chase.  

The reality is that whether you receive chocolates from a man or not  isn’t the feminist question we should be asking ourselves. The real questions we should be worried about are “How are we contributing by our work, our actions and inactions to the realisation that a woman’s ability to do it all and be it all is not up for debate, to promote every woman’s right to self-determination, to advance the dignity of women and to equip every woman with the ability to make the most informed choices for herself so that we all can live our most fulfilled lives, be meaningfully happy and to advance harmony in our world?